Charlie and Zoey
CHARLIE …it’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am. I’m Charlie Young. ZOEY Hi. JOSH Okay, hang on a second. Let’s take it back a moment and give it another chance. This is a girl, Charlie. You don’t have to call her ‘ma’am.’ CHARLIE I beg your pardon. Did I call you… ZOEY Zoey. CHARLIE I should call you Zoey? ZOEY [smiles] If I can...
BARTLET Look at this, will you? JOSH At what sir? BARTLET I don’t know why, but nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues, enjoying each other outside work. JOSH So, what were you guys talking about? BARTLET We were talking about these women. JOSH Yeah? LEO We can’t get over these women. BARTLET Look at...
Think you have to be crazy to create something...
Footnote - ed.
A Chili Reception
The senior staff walk in. BARTLET Everyone! Come in. Come on in. BARTLET Hey, listen up everybody. Zoey’s down from Hanover. I’m making chili for everyone tonight. SENIOR STAFF [very weak and uninterested] Great. Okay. Chili. BARTLET [looks at Leo then to his staff] All right…You know what? Let’s do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the...
Sam and the UFOs
CUT TO: INT. SAM’S OFFICE - DAY Sam just came in to his office. He sees a nerdy BOB ENGLER sitting in a chair beside the door. SAM So, you are from the United States Space Command? BOB Not a lot of people know about us. SAM This is my first time. BOB We’re a little nerdy, I’ll admit. SAM You camouflage it well with your clothing. BOB I’m used to that,...
This is a Stick Up
MANDY Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too. BARTLET I AM an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I’ll do my best for you there, Mandy. MANDY Thank you, sir.
"Big Block of Cheese" Day
Some of the White House Staffers giggle lightly. LEO I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I’m preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge—over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry. TOBY Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war...
Let the poets write about that there, Byron
s01e05: ‘The Crackpots and These Women’
SAM [to Toby] So, how do you feel there, big guy? TOBY [dryly] Like I just got screwed with my pants on. SAM Excellent.
The One Where Jed Took Two Kinds Of Pain...
Before I go, please let me just say this: [sighs] I’m seriously thinking about getting a dog.
"There's literally no one in the world that I...
Everyone, except Toby, laughs.
Do you have a band gazebo?
KATZENMOYER I’m in your own party! JOSH Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it? KATZENMOYER It’s an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger? JOSH No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come...
The Walk and Talk
CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Josh and Sam are leaving the Oval Office. They pass Mrs. Landingham. JOSH So what’s the range of what we’re talking about? MRS. LANDINGHAM Congratulations, Josh. JOSH Thanks, Mrs. Landingham. SAM What’s she congratulating you on? JOSH I don’t know. They walk out to the HALLWAY. SAM What’s the range? ...
The D section
BARTLET Toby! TOBY Sir. BARTLET What’d you think? TOBY I thought my work was outstanding, Mr. President. BARTLET I thought you would. TOBY Thanks for asking. [pause] Couldn’t help but notice you got a little extemporaneous there in the D section. BARTLET Oh, you noticed that, did you? TOBY Yes sir, I did. BARTLET Yes. I did a little polish right up there on my...
I'm so sick of Congress I could vomit
WICK I’ve been here over a year. Huh. Where’s the courtship? This isn’t ego. A relationship with the White House is currency around here and I need some. JOSH You’re voting down a measure that would restrict the sale of deadly weapons because nobody invited you to the cool kid’s table? WICK Got your attention. JOSH You know, I’m so sick of...
SAM ‘Happy Days Are Here Again’? MANDY He likes it. SAM Who? MANDY The President. SAM We try and avoid having the President make aesthetic decisions. MANDY I made the decision. SAM Right. And I don’t mean to step on your toes, but you might want to rethink marrying the lines ‘Kids are dead. Kids are dead!’ and ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’ ...
A Proportional Response
FITZWALLACE Yes, sir. Mr. President we put together a scenario by which we attack Hassan airport, its three main terminals and two runways. In addition to the civilian causalities, which could register in the thousands, the strike would temporally cripple the region’s ability to receive medical supplies and bottled water. I think Mr. Cashmen and Secretary Hutchinson would...
Leo and Fitzwallace talk about Charlie
LEO …Uh, hey Fitz? FITZWALLACE Yeah? LEO The President’s personal aide, they’re looking at a kid. Do you have any problem with a young black man waiting on the President? FITZWALLACE I’m an old black man and I wait on the President. LEO The kid’s gotta carry his bags… FITZWALLACE You gonna pay him a decent wage? LEO Yeah. FITZWALLACE You...
Josh and Leo talk about Charlie
JOSH Hey Leo, can I ask you a question? LEO What? JOSH I’m interviewing this kid for Ted Miller’s job, and he’s a real special kid. He’s applied himself in school, I’m sure he’d be articulate if he wasn’t terrified. He’s postponing college until his sister gets out of high school. LEO Where are the parents? JOSH Father’s long gone....
Josh interviews Charlie
CHARLIE Uh, sir, I’m sorry but I think there’s been some sort of mistake. JOSH Really? CHARLIE See, I came here, I filled out an application form… JOSH Yeah, I have your paperwork. CHARLIE Right, see, I came here, I was looking for a job as a messenger and I had an interview with Miss DiLaguardia and she told me to wait. JOSH Yes. CHARLIE And then she told me to...