Bartlet's Quotations

The camera moves to the OUTER OVAL OFFICE as Toby enters.

MRS. LANDINGHAM Good morning Toby.

TOBY Good morning Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM The President would like to see you.

TOBY I know.

MRS. LANDINGHAM Did you use his name to arrange a military funeral for a homeless veteran?

TOBY Yes.

MRS. LANDINGHAM You shouldn’t have done that Toby.

TOBY I know.

MRS. LANDINGHAM You absolutely should not have done that.

…

Bartlet and Toby enter THE OVAL OFFICE.

BARTLET Hi.

TOBY Yes, sir.

BARTLET How you doing?

TOBY I’m fine. Thank you, sir.

BARTLET Apparently I’ve arranged for an honor guard for somebody.

TOBY Yes, sir, I’m sorry, I…

BARTLET No, no, just tell me, is there anything else I’ve arranged for? We’re still in NATO, right?

TOBY Yes, sir.

BARTLET What’s going on?

TOBY A homeless man died last night, a Korean War Veteran, who was wearing a coat I had gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.

BARTLET Toby, you’re not responsible…

TOBY An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjong.

BARTLET Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don’t think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodworks?

TOBY I can only hope, sir.

BARTLET [long pause] When is this thing?

TOBY I’m going to pick up his brother and go there now.

MANDY [appears by the doorway] Mr. President, sir? Your absence in the other room is conspicuous.

BARTLET Okay.

Bartlet looks at Toby once more and then pats him on the shoulder. He follows Mandy back to the Mural Room.

MRS. LANDINGHAM (off screen) Toby,

Toby turns towards her voice

MRS. LANDINGHAM I’d like to come along.

CUT TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Bartlet and Mandy are arguing while Charlie and a few Secret Service Agents stand by. Bartlet is putting on his coat as if he is getting ready to leave.

MANDY A couple of guys.

BARTLET No.

MANDY Mr. President a couple of guys.

BARTLET Leave me alone.

JOSH [enters] Good morning Mr. President.

BARTLET Josh, what are you doing right now?

JOSH I’m helping prepare a strategy for the European economic summit in February.

BARTLET Blow it off.

JOSH [flippant] Okay.

BARTLET Seriously, take an hour and come with us.

JOSH You’re going shopping?

MANDY He won’t let me send some press along.

BARTLET Leave me alone.

JOSH I don’t understand. How are you going shopping?

BARTLET Oh I sneak out every now and then.

JOSH You sneak out?

BARTLET Yes, couple of agents, an unmarked black suburban. They tell the manager, they clear the store, I’m in, I’m out. It’s like nothing ever happened.

JOSH I never knew this.

BARTLET Did you know that there’s an underground tunnel out of here?

JOSH Yes.

BARTLET I haven’t been able to find it even though I search almost everyday.

JOSH Where are you going?

BARTLET To a place called Rare Books, you know what they sell?

JOSH Fishing tackle?

BARTLET Funny boy.

MANDY The President is doing some last minute Christmas shopping at a rare bookstore and he won’t let me send some press along.

BARTLET Tell her to leave me alone. Sheila!

MANDY A couple of guys.

BARTLET This is a Christmas thing I’m doing Mandy; we don’t have to make hay out of it.

MANDY It’s such good hay.

BARTLET [to Josh] Want to come?

JOSH An hour with you in a rare bookstore? Couldn’t you just drop me off the top of the Washington monument instead?

BARTLET It’s Christmas, Josh! No reason we can’t do both.

MANDY

Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too.

BARTLET

I AM an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I’ll do my best for you there, Mandy.

MANDY

Thank you, sir.

Some of the White House Staffers giggle lightly.

LEO I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I’m preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge—over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

TOBY Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?

LEO We can do that later, Toby. Right now I’m talking about President Andrew Jackson.

SAM Actually, right now, you’re talking about a big block of cheese.

LEO And Sam goes on my list!

SAM What about Toby?

LEO I’m unpredictable. [beat] Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

MANDY And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

LEO It is in that spirit…

SAM Hang on. Mandy doesn’t go on the list?

LEO Mandy’s new.

SAM So it’s just me… on the list?

LEO Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. [beat] I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples’ servants.

JOSH [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we’re late. Is it ‘Total Crackpot Day’ again?

LEO Yes, it is.

SAM And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

SAM ‘Happy Days Are Here Again’?

MANDY He likes it.

SAM Who?

MANDY The President.

SAM We try and avoid having the President make aesthetic decisions.

MANDY I made the decision.

SAM Right. And I don’t mean to step on your toes, but you might want to rethink marrying the lines ‘Kids are dead. Kids are dead!’ and ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’

MANDY It’s optimistic.

SAM I’ll say.

MANDY I have a Ph.D. Did you know that?

DAISY Yes.

MANDY Some people don’t know that.

DAISY I do.

MANDY I’ve got a bachelor’s degree in art history, and a master’s degree in communications and a Ph.D. in political science.

DAISY Yes.

MANDY I’m accomplished and brilliant. And yet, look how young and cute I am.

DAISY What about Gil McGregor?

MANDY And who would think that someone who’d accomplished as much as I have, would be this young or this cute?

DAISY Gil McGregor?

MANDY And here I am.

DAISY Mandy.

MANDY I am not calling Gil Mcgregor!

DAISY Why not?

MANDY I’m not cold-calling businesses like an encyclopedia salesman.

DAISY Fine.

MANDY You do it. [Daisy gives her a knowing look] No. Neither of us has to do it. Things haven’t gotten that bad.

DAISY Miss Hampton, we are sitting on the stairs, drinking wine out of paper cups.

MANDY I’d like it if you called me Dr. Hampton.

DAISY Give me the bottle.