Bartlet's Quotations

BARTLET

Look at this, will you?

JOSH

At what sir?

BARTLET

I don’t know why, but nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues, enjoying each other outside work.

JOSH

So, what were you guys talking about?

BARTLET

We were talking about these women.

JOSH

Yeah?

LEO

We can’t get over these women.

BARTLET

Look at C.J.

BARTLET [cont.]

She’s like a fifties movie star, so capable, so loving and energetic.

LEO

Look at Mandy over there.

LEO [cont.]

Going punch for punch with Toby in a world that tells women to sit down and shut up. Mandy’s already won her battle with the President. The game’s over, but she’s not done. She wants Toby.

BARTLET

Mrs. Landingham.

BARTLET [cont.]

Did you guys know she lost two sons in Vietnam? What would make her want to serve her country is beyond me, but in 14 years, she’s not missed a day’s work, not one.

There’s Cathy, Donna, and Margaret.

JOSH

Mr. President, there’s something that’s been bothering me for most of the day, and while I know that this is an inappropriate time…

LEO

No, what’s on your mind, Josh?

JOSH

I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it’s a great privilege that I will never forget.

[takes out the card from his wallet, a card that has bothered him for the whole day. He shows it to Leo and the President.]

I can’t keep this. I think it’s a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it’s not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.

The senior staff walk in.

BARTLET Everyone! Come in. Come on in.

BARTLET Hey, listen up everybody. Zoey’s down from Hanover. I’m making chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF [very weak and uninterested] Great. Okay. Chili.

BARTLET [looks at Leo then to his staff] All right…You know what? Let’s do this.

Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet.

BARTLET Now, everybody look back up at me.

Zoey’s coming down from Hanover and I’m making chili for everyone tonight.

SENIOR STAFF [loud and very excited] That’s great! I love chili! Terrific!

BARTLET There, you see how benevolent I can be, when everyone does what I tell them to do. Now sit down.

CUT TO: INT. SAM’S OFFICE - DAY

Sam just came in to his office. He sees a nerdy BOB ENGLER sitting in a chair beside the door.

SAM So, you are from the United States Space Command?

BOB Not a lot of people know about us.

SAM This is my first time.

BOB We’re a little nerdy, I’ll admit.

SAM You camouflage it well with your clothing.

BOB I’m used to that, Sam.

SAM What can I do for you, Bob?

BOB In a nutshell?

SAM So to speak.

BOB We’d like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.

SAM Are we paying any attention at all right now?

BOB No.

SAM Thank God. Like we don’t have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.

MANDY

Yeah, so Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good too.

BARTLET

I AM an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I’ll do my best for you there, Mandy.

MANDY

Thank you, sir.

Some of the White House Staffers giggle lightly.

LEO I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I’m preparing appropriate retribution. [beat] The block of cheese was huge—over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

TOBY Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?

LEO We can do that later, Toby. Right now I’m talking about President Andrew Jackson.

SAM Actually, right now, you’re talking about a big block of cheese.

LEO And Sam goes on my list!

SAM What about Toby?

LEO I’m unpredictable. [beat] Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

MANDY And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

LEO It is in that spirit…

SAM Hang on. Mandy doesn’t go on the list?

LEO Mandy’s new.

SAM So it’s just me… on the list?

LEO Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. [beat] I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples’ servants.

JOSH [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we’re late. Is it ‘Total Crackpot Day’ again?

LEO Yes, it is.

SAM And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.

s01e05: ‘The Crackpots and These Women’

SAM [to Toby] So, how do you feel there, big guy?

TOBY [dryly] Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

SAM Excellent.

Before I go, please let me just say this:

[sighs]

I’m seriously thinking about getting a dog.

Everyone, except Toby, laughs.

KATZENMOYER I’m in your own party!

JOSH Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it?

KATZENMOYER It’s an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger?

JOSH No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We’re going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it’s gonna be great. And when the watermelon’s done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo… You guys got a band gazebo?

KATZENMOYER Josh…

JOSH Doesn’t matter, we’ll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that’s where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the moment you’re finished in Democratic politics.

President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge.

[puts on sunglasses]

That’s what he pays me for. [walks away]