Bartlet's Quotations

SAM [to Toby] So, how do you feel there, big guy?

TOBY [dryly] Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

SAM Excellent.

Before I go, please let me just say this:

[sighs]

I’m seriously thinking about getting a dog.

Everyone, except Toby, laughs.

KATZENMOYER I’m in your own party!

JOSH Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it?

KATZENMOYER It’s an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger?

JOSH No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We’re going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it’s gonna be great. And when the watermelon’s done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo… You guys got a band gazebo?

KATZENMOYER Josh…

JOSH Doesn’t matter, we’ll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that’s where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the moment you’re finished in Democratic politics.

President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge.

[puts on sunglasses]

That’s what he pays me for. [walks away]

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY Josh and Sam are leaving the Oval Office. They pass Mrs. Landingham.

JOSH So what’s the range of what we’re talking about?

MRS. LANDINGHAM Congratulations, Josh.

JOSH Thanks, Mrs. Landingham.

SAM What’s she congratulating you on?

JOSH I don’t know.

They walk out to the HALLWAY.

SAM What’s the range?

JOSH Yes.

SAM Votes are expensive. O’Bannon’s going to want the farm subsidies revisited, Katzenmoyer’s gonna go back to the federal tax exempt metro link. We’re talking about unions, defense contracts, possibly agency appointments and my point is that the clock’s running, and we’re no closer to answering the question.

JOSH Which question?

SAM How we get five votes without giving away everything in the store.

A woman passes by.

WOMAN Congratulations, Josh.

JOSH Thanks.

SAM What the hell’s going on…?

JOSH We do it by giving away nothing in the store.

SAM We can’t…

JOSH I say nothing.

SAM What’re you saying?

JOSH L.B.J. never would’ve taken this kind of crap from Democrats in Congress. He’d have said, ‘You’re voting my way, in exchange for which, it is possible that I might remember your name.’ [stops walking]

Pal, we need to win. And I mean win. We need to take a curtain call and a victory lap. And that’s how we get momentum. We get it by being tough. We give away nothing. That’s what I’m taking to Leo.

SAM And Chris Wick?

JOSH Chris Wick, I own his ass.

They walk into JOSH’S BULLPEN AREA to cheering and shouts of ‘Congratulations’.

Donna walks up.

JOSH I sense I’m being mocked.

DONNA Congratulations, Josh.

JOSH What did I do?

DONNA You won our award for best gift valued over twenty-five dollars on the financial disclosure report.

JOSH Really?

DONNA Yeah.

JOSH What won it for me?

DONNA The 1189 dollar Viennatelli silk smoking jacket from Miss Sarah Wissinger.

JOSH Ah, yes.

DONNA You’re also the runner up, by the way, with the 345 dollar antique scrimshaw cigarette holder, also from Miss Sarah Wissinger.

JOSH Well, Sarah was very fond of me.

DONNA I’d imagine with that smoking jacket and the cigarette holder, you were quite the dandy.

JOSH All right, this was fun, but Sam and I are busy making critical decisions, and I’m sure you have a lot of typing to do. So I’ll talk to you later.

DONNA Bye. [walks off]

Sam and Josh keep going, right past Josh’s office.

JOSH I’ll take care of Chris Wick.

SAM Where are you going?

JOSH [stops and looks at Sam] Where are you going?

SAM I was following you.

JOSH I was following you. [pause] All right, don’t tell anyone this happened, okay?

BARTLET Toby!

TOBY Sir.

BARTLET What’d you think?

TOBY I thought my work was outstanding, Mr. President.

BARTLET I thought you would.

TOBY Thanks for asking.

[pause]

Couldn’t help but notice you got a little extemporaneous there in the D section.

BARTLET Oh, you noticed that, did you?

TOBY Yes sir, I did.

BARTLET Yes. I did a little polish right up there on my feet.

TOBY Yes indeed.

BARTLET Right in front of everybody. I looked to the side at one point, you know. I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.

TOBY Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir.

BARTLET Yup. Thank God for the secret service.

TOBY Bless their hearts…

[sees a couple getting friendly in the hall]

BARTLET Hey there, fella. She deserves a nice room and some supper.

TOBY You like doing that, don’t you sir?

BARTLET [smiles] Yeah. [Toby laughs.] Hey, Charlie!

CHARLIE [comes forward] Yes, sir?

BARTLET What’d you think of the speech?

CHARLIE Me?

BARTLET Yes, you.

CHARLIE Uh, I thought it was-

TOBY He means the text of the speech, Charlie, discounting the little improv in the D section.

BARTLET I mean the entire speech, Charlie, and in particular the delivery.

CHARLIE I thought it was excellent.

BARTLET and TOBY See!

Toby laughs again.

BARTLET See, I think what Charlie’s trying to say is that in this case the singer outdistanced the song.

TOBY Really. Well, what I heard Charlie say was that the text was user-proof, although you did your level best to disprove that in the D section.

BARTLET You know what, Toby?

TOBY Sir.

BARTLET You’re what my mother calls a pain in the ass.

TOBY Well, that’s what my mother calls it too, sir.

WICK I’ve been here over a year. Huh. Where’s the courtship? This isn’t ego. A relationship with the White House is currency around here and I need some.

JOSH You’re voting down a measure that would restrict the sale of deadly weapons because nobody invited you to the cool kid’s table?

WICK Got your attention.

JOSH You know, I’m so sick of Congress I could vomit.

{This post is out of sequence, but was posted now to coincide with the SOPA/PIPA protests going on today, which has led to some websites participating in a “blackout” today. If you don’t know what SOPA and PIPA are, I hope you will read: Sopa and Pipa anti-piracy bills controversy explained. — ed.}

SAM ‘Happy Days Are Here Again’?

MANDY He likes it.

SAM Who?

MANDY The President.

SAM We try and avoid having the President make aesthetic decisions.

MANDY I made the decision.

SAM Right. And I don’t mean to step on your toes, but you might want to rethink marrying the lines ‘Kids are dead. Kids are dead!’ and ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.’

MANDY It’s optimistic.

SAM I’ll say.